Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
