I hate your face
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
