And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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