No stitches, just platelets and will power
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
