i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
