he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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