Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
