I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
