One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
