if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
