I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
