my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
