we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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