I want to have your abortion
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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