I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
