it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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