the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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