i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
