my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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