he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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