We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
