Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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