She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
