haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
