your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
