I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I need to calm my uterus...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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