I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
