nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
pray to the hookup gods
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I touched a dick in church today
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
