haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
