quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
