Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
