I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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