She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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