I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize