You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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