I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
