Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
