Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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