No stitches, just platelets and will power
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
