We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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