Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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