2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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