I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
