there's paper in my vomit.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
