i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
