So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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