I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
