u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
