so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize