she kept yelling 'call me bella'
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
