my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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