you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
