I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
