why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize