I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
