all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
