The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
