Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
