The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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