Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
