I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
